Where to start? You and your partner have reached yet another bump in the road and one of you, or both, has reached the conclusion that you need some help; you’re just not hearing each other. Communication issues have got too hard. One of you has experienced a loss, has had an affair, is struggling with depression, parenting or addiction or any other myriad challenges. So you do a quick Google Search:

Couples Therapists Near Me

Or maybe, Marriage Counselling or Couples Counselling. And you get a long list where they’re talking about the Gottman Method or using acronyms like EFT, RLT and PACT and you think what does it all mean and what do we need? What’s going to work for us? The most important question though, at this point is not what but who.

The Therapeutic Alliance

Research shows that the bond you have with your counsellor trumps any modality or approach that they’re trained in. It’s as simple as that, so when you’re shopping around—and do shop around—make sure you and your partner both feel connected with this third party so you can trust your relationship and hearts with them. Many relationship counsellors offer a free phone consultation which is a good place to start, so you can work out whether you think you’ll be a good fit for each other. And it’s fine to speak with a few.

When you come out of your first appointment you’ll both—ideally—come out feeling a sense of alliance with the counsellor. Not like best buddies but certainly like this is a person you can both collaborate with, work with and feel comfortable with. They’re a relationship counsellor so it’s their job to make you feel at ease. It’s also their job to treat you with unconditional positive regard, to use a term from Carl Rogers, the grandfather of person-centred therapy. Of course, this doesn’t mean they won’t challenge you down the track as this is where learning happens but a challenge can still be done with positive regard. The first session is very much about them getting a sense of you as a couple and building a safe space, between you and your partner and between you and the counsellor.

Two Types of Couples Therapy

The Gottman Method

The two most researched and evidence based approaches used in couples therapy are Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and the Gottman Method. John and Julie Gottman have been researching and working with relationships for over forty years. They have a wealth of psycho-educational tools to help couples communicate well, which means with respect and the capacity to listen and speak with authenticity. Their ‘Sound Relationship House’ illustrates the important key ingredients which go into building a healthy relationship, with the pillars being trust and commitment and the floors serving as ways to connect and navigate challenges.

EFT Couple’s Therapy

Sue Johnson’s EFT approach is very experiential and is based on many studies that show how change happens in the moment. By the time most couples find their way to the counselling room, they are stuck in a cycle that involves their defences being up and their belief that there’s something that needs changing with their partner. initial EFT sessions will see a lot of detective work being done, where the therapist supports the couple to track their negative cycle or pattern and then get some distance from it—it’s the cycle that’s the ‘baddie’ not the partner. Later sessions focus on enacting conversations between each other to assist the couple to deepen their understanding of one another.

Other possible approaches—to name just a few—are Terry Real’s RLT (Relational Life Therapy), Stan Tatkin’s PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple’s Therapy), Esther Perel’s phenomenal body of work on relational intelligence and intimacy and Ellyn Bader’s Developmental Model. All have important and meaningful frameworks to offer couples and will be addressed in forthcoming blogs.

How Many Sessions/How Long is a Piece of String?

This really depends on the couple, their issues as a couple, as individuals and their capacity for self-reflection and self-responsibility. On average, six to eight sessions should offer some kind of change and relief. If there’s a lot of repair that’s needed or a lot of issues to navigate, many more sessions will be needed. It’s a good idea to review progress in an ongoing manner, with each other, outside of the therapy room and together with your counsellor. You want to review your progress, what’s still a challenge and where you’re headed/your goals for the counselling. Ideally, you’ll collaborate in such a way that the end of the sessions comes as no surprise and everyone has a healthy sense of closure. It’s a working relationship that can be navigated and reviewed as it unfolds

The Essence of Couples Therapy

It’s team work. The therapist is not the expert, the couple are; they’re the ones who really know their relationship—the counsellor however needs to be skilled at providing a structured and safe environment where conflict is addressed and explored; current and past ruptures are repaired and intimacy is fostered. The main focus is on reflection, learning and connection.

Relationship Therapists