Time Travel

The other day I was inside with the windows open when a passerby’s perfume wafted inside. Instantly I was back in the 80s; teleported to my early 20s, working in a London office as a temp, trying to look sophisticated and feel glamorous by wearing Yves Saint Laurent’s heady blend, “Opium”.

Time means nothing to the limbic system. Sounds, scents and tastes transport us back and so too do our implicit memories, to the time when we were imprinted with a significant experience or event. Great if the experiences were positive - we welcome this kind of time travel. But what if the experience was threatening? And what if we don’t even know we’re time travelling? One minute we’re fine and the next, we’re hijacked by anxiety or anger and lashing out at our loved ones. It all happens so quickly, and the reason we often don’t know that something in the present is triggering something from the past is because our autonomic nervous system is largely below our conscious awareness and this is what’s suddenly sparked the action. It’s constantly scanning for danger and safety cues, with a strong bias for danger signals.

Triggers

Let’s just say, by way of example, that you had a tough time growing up and every Thursday night was when Uncle Arthur used to visit, reeking of alcohol and demanding his rent from your mum. You knew to disappear, as things could get nasty quickly. Back to the present day, your time travel in your adult skin might be sparked by a whiff of someone else’s liquor-breath or just because it’s a Thursday night. These were real threats for your eight year old self and were stored by the brain to keep you safe; ready to be recalled when cued. So come Thursday nights, it’s possible you could feel on edge (and you might not too), or if you smell alcohol on someone’s breath the data retrieval system could get sparked, then your survival system takes the wheel, priming you for fight, flight, freeze or appease. The autonomic nervous system (ANS) doesn’t differentiate between the past and present and when it comes to liquor breath, it can’t tell the difference between Jackson from the office or Uncle Arthur, but it does care about being excellent at scanning for danger, for safety and for life threat, via the senses. Humans are wired to survive.

A Crazy Balancing Act

The problems arise when the body perceives a threat from the past and believes it’s a real threat in the present. You’re no longer responsive, regulated and able to connect. You’re activated; mobilised to go towards (fight or appease) or move away (flee) or stay completely still (freeze). Our experiences and conditioning comes with us, it’s in our programming and often we don’t realise that we’re parenting reactively (just like our parents used to!) and shouting or angrily lashing out with our words or worse. Or perhaps we’re getting more and more distant from our partner/close friend/work colleagues or doing the opposite and overreacting to them, when we really don’t want to or mean to. All this emotional arousal, or shut down, could be the result of us being dysregulated; of our ANS being out of balance.

So, it’s time to get regulated. But how, oh how do we do that when the ANS’s functioning is largely below our conscious awareness?

Make Friends with your Autonomic Nervous System

Becoming more aware of you, specifically you in the moment is the first step. It’s almost like you need to start witnessing yourself, your behaviour AND your internal sensations in the moment. What are your cues for danger? What threatens you and sets your alarm bells ringing? And what are your cues for safety?

Identifying your cues for both danger and safety are the key way in to befriending your ANS.

Awareness is Key

THIS INVOLVES SLOWING DOWN

Look for patterns. Identify and get to know your triggers (aka cues of threat) and along the way, make sure you don’t judge yourself harshly; be kind to yourself and resolve to take action.

When cues of danger or threat arise, which they inevitably will, STOP and observe what’s happening inside your body - is your heart beating faster, are your breaths quicker? Any physical sensations? Tension in the shoulders? Tummy tight? Notice your thoughts/feelings. Simply notice. Again, try not to judge.

Did I mention,THIS INVOLVES SLOWING DOWN!

Use Your Breath - 3 Breathing Techniques

Inhale: I breathe in the world
Exhale: I let the world go

There are many breathing techniques out there to help regulate and self-soothe, these three below are commonly used. For all of them, inhale through the nose (if possible), exhale through the mouth, imagining you’re breathing out through a straw. If you find it hard to inhale through the nose, don’t worry! Make it work for you and your body. The important thing is to focus on your breath and just notice it, which in turn regulates you. For those who find the word ‘breath’ is a trigger - you’re not alone! For you, maybe tune into your ribs, or your chest…just notice the movement. If you find this difficult, try placing your hands so they’re holding your rib cage or on top of your chest; feeling the chest rise or the ribs expand can help to tune into the movement of the breath.This is awareness in action! Awareness is key.

For everyone, the more dysregulated you are, the more you need to practise. Ideally, every day is best. But again, this is up to you, it might be in the car, in bed at night, in the loo, the lift, the queue…

Extended Exhale

Play around with timing, making sure you exhale for longer than you inhale. For example, inhale for 4 beats, exhale for 6. Everyone is different so find your unique beat ratio that works for you.

4-7-8 Breathing

This one is said to be good for anxiety. Breathe in for 4 beats, hold for 7, exhale for 8. Repeat

Box Breathing

Box breathing is also effective for befriending your ANS: Breathe in for 4, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, hold for 4. Repeat.

Co-regulate with Another Mammal

Physical touch is a very effective method of achieving regulation so if you’re able to ask someone to hug you or give your arm a squeeze that can work wonders. Connecting with animals works really well and is also very soothing.

Ideally there is another adult nearby who is able to help you here but this involves a certain degree of comfort with how well you know them. It also requires them to be calmer than you and able to stay calm in the face of your alarm system going haywire. This is actually a big ask, as oftentimes we set each other off, but the more you practise, the more you’ll be able to hold your ground, whether you’re on the receiving end of someone else’s dysregulation or becoming aware that you're the one in need of some co-regulation from another.

Use Sound

I’m a big fan of using my voice to self-regulate. When highly stressed, the car (as long as it’s just you!) is great for letting out stress and emotion. Low, loud roars are fabulous.

At home, pillows can work too, for shouting into. If you do this around loved ones (particularly children) assure them that you’re just letting off steam and that it’s not to do with them. Just you, looking after you and moving towards responsible self-regulating.

Exercise!

Regular exercise is a must for a balanced system. There’s plenty of information about all the different types but the main thing is to choose a type of exercise you find engaging; the more you enjoy it, the more likely you’re going to continue with it.

A Work in Progress

Getting to know the ANS and taking responsibility for our reactions requires, patience, kindness and persistence. Becoming aware of triggers and inner sensations is the first step. And then responding by breathing, or using other self-soothing techniques is what we’re aiming for. Especially in these uncertain and heightened times where fear is much more pervasive and our reactivity is much more ready to boil over. In my next blog I’ll unpack tsome of the neuroscience behind the ANS and how our physiological state creates our psychological story.

Making Friends with your Nervous System